EarthBound's Mortality Meter
Posted by Articles [HTML][XML][PERM][FULL] on 17 September 2013, 6:35 pm

The tree has the most pleasant expression on its face, smiling as if it were welcoming its new neighbor over for tea. It reminds me of some sort of muppet I might have seen on Nick Jr., educating children on how we should be nice and share our toys with each other. That would have been a totally normal thing to encounter for me at this point, back in the 1990s.

Too bad this particular pleasantly smiling tree is trying to kill me.

A denizen of the deceitfully named Peaceful Rest Valley, this mysteriously living and grinning tree is joined by a rather small flying saucer, which is eager to inflict me with the common cold. Why these things are sentient I have no clue, but you sort of stop asking such questions after erasing a pencil shaped statue with a pencil eraser — that is, "an eraser that erases pencils."

I know that the murderous tree would take longer to kill than the UFO, which meant it was stronger. By ten year old logic, that meant I needed to defeat it first. So I lifted my slingshot and struck it with whatever it was a slingshot used (it must shoot slings if it's called a slingshot, right?), until finally I dealt the death blow. A single pebble burst into the tree's bark and caused it to combust. Again, not exactly sure on the why, but when a tree bursts into flames and deals a lethal amount of damage, well, you don't try to figure out the why.

In another world, another universe, I might have died right there on my feet, but here in Peaceful Rest Valley I was in a pleasant state of dying.

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