Warriors Need Loot. Badly.
Posted by Articles [HTML][XML][PERM][FULL] on 1 October 2013, 10:40 pm

When I write the word Diablo, I want to dot the i with a cute, bubbly little heart.

PC gamers can’t begin to comprehend the years of hack-less, slash-less torture we console gaming lower lifeforms have endured. Only now, as my once-fearsome Xbox 360 lay gasping on the cold stone of its sepulcher, the last drops of life seeping from its dust-choked vents, the red-ringed light at the end of the tunnel filling its vision, only now, in this latest of hours, does a hero appear to send the legendary console off on the demon infested, skill-tree lined path for which we’ve yearned since the days of 20GB hard disks and navigation blades.

Those of us console gamers with a penchant for bro’ing up and severing demon limbs from a cumulonimbus POV have trudged this desolate journey nigh on a decade, twiddling our uncallused thumbs, swords firmly sheathed and armor unblemished, with nary an ice-shooting skeleton to crush, a digitally-enhanced wench to pour us a mug of swill, nor a stack of pleonastic weaponry to clog our amply spacious inventories. How our pampered toes have yearned for just a simple pair of +1 Boots of Bandit Backstabbing with which to tread the rough-hewn floors of the stinking lair of a gaggle of acid-puking ooze beasts!

I implore you, the PC gaming elite, hunched over the keys of your beloved mechanical keyboards as you read this, please, pull your black hoods back and use your sun-deprived fingers to ctrl-tab over to your favorite search engine and, with your long, black-painted fingernails, tap out a search for best console hack n slash. Now, hard as it may be after laying your gaze upon those retched search results, I urge that you resist your emo tendencies to burn your own eyeballs out with your laser mouse. I seek only to evoke a bit of empathy from you towards your Mountain Dewed, console-gaming counterparts, not cause mass depression and blindness.

Now gather ‘round, and hear my tale of woe, and hope.

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